oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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