I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
We need to get me chipped asap
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
