He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
