Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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