True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He kissed a someone with a penis
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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