last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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