My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Randomize
