I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Randomize
