Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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