You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
