if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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