I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
