This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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