did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
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i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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