I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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