I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
being pregnant is like rehab
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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