I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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