Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
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