so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
ugly people sure do ruin things
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
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