I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
