I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
