im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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