I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
do nipples grow back?
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
