Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
