I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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