i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
