You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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