he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
why do cheetos always look like penises
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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