yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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