Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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