I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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