I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Sorry my hands just texted you
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
