Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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