I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
