About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Randomize
