Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
This baby is an asshole
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
