we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
