Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
