I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
