Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
