How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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