you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
