ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
this will be a night to untag.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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