In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
