Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
