Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
