matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
