he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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