Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
