Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
