I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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