It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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