I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
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