I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
