Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
