Don't make out with my wife yet
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
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