There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
