You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
