I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
