someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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