Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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