Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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