So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
